Pouring Out

These last six months have been extremely hard for me and my wife.  It all started at the end of 2012 when she found out that her full-time job would be coming to an end very soon.  We had dealt with the same issue concerning my last job just a year earlier and we feared the worst since the economy hasn’t fully recovered from the great recession.  She immediately began applying for any job that she could possibly be a fit for.  In the meantime I felt God leading me to pursue pastoral ministry.  I had felt these feelings back in 2005 but I opted to go to seminary instead.  Once I finished seminary I decided to do youth ministry full-time.  About a year and a half into youth ministry I felt God nudging me to be open to pastoral ministry.  Being obedient I asked my district superintendent to assign me a mentor.  I began meeting with my mentor in January 2011 but I was in no hurry so it took us about a year-and-a-half to finish a book that should only take 6-10months to complete.  Once I completed the book I still wasn’t sure if pastoral ministry was my calling.

 As I was wrestling with that, I decided to pursue college ministry.  I had a number of conversations that were very promising but in the end, there were not enough resources to pull anything off.  As the fall of 2012 rolled around I had no clue what was next or where God was leading me.  As I continued to be prayerful about my next steps I was asked to go on a trip to South Korea with a team of people including my wife to teach and share about the Storehouse.  The Storehouse is a prayer ministry with the vision of having night and day, continual prayer that would be 24/7 one day.  

 As we were preparing to go to South Korea, we were all assigned a topic that we would be teaching/preaching on while we were there.  I have to admit I was excited.  I love preaching and teaching the word.  When we got to South Korea I was so excited to be surrounded by so many who were hungry for teaching on prayer.  Prayer is not a foreign concept in their culture.  Many of the believers there pray daily and often.  This kind of intimidated me but I was ready for the challenge.  I knew that prayer was going to be the only way I could prepare myself properly for such an opportunity.

 After the trip was over and we were getting re-adjusted to our lives back in the states, I started feeling that nudging from God to consider pastoral ministry again.  This time unlike the others I felt like I was truly ready.  So I had a great conversation with my district superintendent who was very optimistic about me receiving an appointment come June 2013 to serve as a pastor.  I knew that the next few months would be filled with a lot of paperwork and meetings but I was ready.  The first wave of paperwork and meetings went well.  It seemed like everything was falling into place for me to receive an appointment until February 28, 2013.

 That day will be in my mind for a long time.  I was working out at the local YMCA when I got a phone call from my district superintendent saying that there was a problem and that my appointment process would have to be put on hold.  He wasn’t able to tell me what the problem was but he told me who I needed to talk to.   So I immediately attempted to contact this person in hopes of setting up a meeting.  After a couple of days passed with no return call or email I was getting worried so I attempted to call this person again.  This time I was informed by his secretary that he was out of the country on a mission trip and would not be back until the following week.  

 I patiently waited, praying earnestly that this issue could be cleared up in a meeting but in the back of mind I feared that it was a much bigger problem.  The following week I was able to meet with this person who informed me of the problem and true to my fears, it was much more complicated.  I was informed that I would have to wait a year before I would be eligible for an appointment.  While I waited I needed to complete some homework and only if I complete at a satisfactory level would I be considered for an appointment.  

 I remember feeling rejected, hurt, and downcast that day.  In my mind I knew what they were asking me to do was doable but yet I didn’t understand why.  It all boiled down to a bad reference that altered my current situation.  Combine that with all that my wife was having to deal with concerning her job loss and we felt dejected.  Did anybody want us?  Are we good enough?  Why is God allowing this to happen?  It was tough to accept that what we thought was going to happen had just vanished in a split second and we were left with no answers as to what would be next.

 After having a conversation with my mentor he suggested that I apply to be a substitute bus driver for the local school system.  At first I was not too sure I wanted to do that but after thinking about for a few days I thought, “what do I have to lose.”  So I contacted the transportation director and inquired about subbing for his system.  I thought I would be hired immediately given that I already had a Class B CDL with the air brakes and passenger endorsement.  I was informed that you also have to have a state issued certification card indicating that you have received training from the state board of education.

 I decided to proceed and go to this class.  It felt like a driver’s ed refresher course with the exception of training on how to do a proper student pick-up/drop-off while driving a school bus.  Thankfully I was able to pass all the tests and became eligible to drive.  Madison City Schools put me to work immediately which I was thankful for but let’s just say I’ll have to blog another day about all of my experiences.

 Starting to drive a school bus at first wasn’t too bad but it quickly became a humbling experience.  I felt a range of emotions as I began driving on a normal basis.  Part of me was happy to just have a job and feel like someone wanted me while part of me felt bitter about my current state of affairs.  I had to remind myself on many occasions that things work for those who love God.  Sometimes we don’t understand why we have to go through the fire to get somewhere but we have to know that he is walking with us every step of the way.

 As time went on I really started battling those feelings of being bitter.  I probably was also battling a sense of pride too.  I’ve thought to myself many times why doesn’t someone want an experienced, seminary trained person who has a passion for ministry?  Where did I go wrong?  I’m capable of leading a ministry.  I have the gift to preach/teach the word.  Why is no one calling.  I tried reminding my self of something Craig Grochel said last year at a leadership conference.  He was sharing with everyone about his journey to starting Lifechurch.  He had been an associate pastor in a well-known denomination when his request to start a church was denied.  I don’t remember what he said he was told by the higher ups but he shared with us that night that he “felt called but no one was calling.”  Of course things worked out great for him.  He followed the call God had on his life and he started a church that is reaching many people with the good news.

 I also kept reminding myself of something my preaching professor Dr. Robert Smith said once during a sermon.  He said, “don’t let anyone put a period where God has put a comma, because God can use you.”  I find great comfort in that comment because deep down in my heart I know that to be true but in my flesh I struggle to accept that.  I feel like an athlete who is on the bench ready to go.  He is just waiting on his number to be called but when is my number going to be called?  I’ve asked that question many times especially over the last month.  

 Earlier today my wife shared with me a quote from Priscilla Shriver that says, “Give back to the Lord the desires and gifts He has given you and then trust Him to use them when and how He chooses.”  When she shared this with me it was like the Holy Spirit was convicting my heart.  It felt like he was telling me that I need to give it all over to God and trust Him.  Trust that he is preparing me for my next assignment.  Learn as much as I can from what I’m going through right now.  As Dr. Smith would say, “learn to trust God in the valley.”  That is hard because when we are in the valley or the ditch it doesn’t feel good.  

 My wife shared another quote from Shriver that says, “The best use of our gifts is seldom what we imagined.  If we’ll put them down and pour them out, we’ll be surprised at God’s unconventional ways of using them.”  Maybe that is where I’m missing it.  Honestly I’m guilty of not thinking outside the box when it comes to how I can answer God’s call on my life.  I’m guilty of thinking that the conventional way is the best way to use my gifts.  Maybe God is teaching me a lesson about not putting Him in a box.  Maybe He is teaching me that in order for me to be relevant in an every changing culture is let God use me in unconventional ways.  In order for me to do that, I have to be like Gideon in Judges 6:19-20 and put down and pour out my gifts so God can use them.  I have to let go of my conventional way of thinking and embrace that God is not normal.  He can’t be contained.  He is a free spirit that moves freely and looks for us to do the same.  He wants us to pour ourselves out to be freely used by Him.